Within The Depths Of Me - B-Boys.com - Hip-Hop Forums

Big_Bang · 12-01-2007, 04:02 PM

I find myself lost in thought or it seems to be
Like a windswept leaf, I’m drifting on a memory.
Or I may be drowning because I can’t breathe.
Surrounded by darkness, it seems I can’t see.

Maybe I’m sinking, falling victim to the depths of me soul.
Or maybe diving, searching for something repressed in my soul.
Now I can see. My insight shines bright.
Now I can breathe. My will to fight my air supply.

Deep within myself I’m confronted by another me.
Deep within myself is He, the Demon who invades my sleep.
The Demon who plagues my sleep. Deep within myself is He.
A demon who’s identical – a demon who resembles ME

Amuse.Meant · 12-01-2007, 06:49 PM

I find myself lost in thought or it seems to be
Like a windswept leaf, I’m drifting on a memory.
Or I may be drowning because I can’t breathe.
Surrounded by darkness, it seems I can’t see.
imma be anal, just in a good way. but yeah, positives:
flowed well, word choice was ok.
Negatives:
i dont see the connection between a "windswept" leaf being like you lost in thought. also the transition from thought to thought on ur 2nd bar was sudden, went from 2 sensory images, and didnt elaborate.

Maybe I’m sinking, falling victim to the depths of me soul.
Or maybe diving, searching for something repressed in my soul.
Now I can see. My insight shines bright.
Now I can breathe. My will to fight my air supply.

Positives:i like the jump from sinking to diving. great change in thought.
Negatives: flow was off for me. flow was off for me. a word choice mistake in your 1st bar. the repetitive "soul" threw it off.

Deep within myself I’m confronted by another me.
Deep within myself is He, the Demon who invades my sleep.
The Demon who plagues my sleep. Deep within myself is He.
A demon who’s identical – a demon who resembles ME
Positives: dope 1st bar.
Negatives: uuum, last bar was like.... "a demon whos identical" = "a demon who resembles me" its kinda saying the same thing in the same bar.
also the 1st line in that bar was the same as the last of the 1st bar. if that makes sense.

overall: it wasnt bad. good 7/10. some work can be done to inprove the quality o your work. (but at the same time thats quality in a sense of my own personal tastes). so this is just what i got from the read. keep dropping.

Big_Bang · 12-08-2007, 11:49 AM

Thanks Amuse.Meant ... the last bar was 'spose to emphasize tha tha fact that my tru enemy is my inner-me...i wanna add a pt. 2 but i haven't found tha right words yet.

thanks again for tha feed. idk y this site so dead

Amuse.Meant · 12-08-2007, 10:32 PM

haha, lets bring it back then homie.

Big_Bang · 12-10-2007, 01:48 PM

A'ight Then, Muse. Lets Resurrect B-boys!!

mutedweller76 · 01-15-2008, 09:30 AM

I think "windswept leaf" is a good imagery and it works. That is the line I like the most.

Pharaoh · 04-30-2008, 05:00 AM

this was cool enough nothing awe inspiring but a nice enough read

12-01-2007, 04:02 PM	#1 (permalink)
Big_Bang Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 189	Within The Depths Of Me I find myself lost in thought or it seems to be Like a windswept leaf, I’m drifting on a memory. Or I may be drowning because I can’t breathe. Surrounded by darkness, it seems I can’t see. Maybe I’m sinking, falling victim to the depths of me soul. Or maybe diving, searching for something repressed in my soul. Now I can see. My insight shines bright. Now I can breathe. My will to fight my air supply. Deep within myself I’m confronted by another me. Deep within myself is He, the Demon who invades my sleep. The Demon who plagues my sleep. Deep within myself is He. A demon who’s identical – a demon who resembles ME

12-01-2007, 06:49 PM	#2 (permalink)
Amuse.Meant Haunting Cyphers Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: San Francisco, CA Posts: 511	I find myself lost in thought or it seems to be Like a windswept leaf, I’m drifting on a memory. Or I may be drowning because I can’t breathe. Surrounded by darkness, it seems I can’t see. imma be anal, just in a good way. but yeah, positives: flowed well, word choice was ok. Negatives: i dont see the connection between a "windswept" leaf being like you lost in thought. also the transition from thought to thought on ur 2nd bar was sudden, went from 2 sensory images, and didnt elaborate. Maybe I’m sinking, falling victim to the depths of me soul. Or maybe diving, searching for something repressed in my soul. Now I can see. My insight shines bright. Now I can breathe. My will to fight my air supply. Positives:i like the jump from sinking to diving. great change in thought. Negatives: flow was off for me. flow was off for me. a word choice mistake in your 1st bar. the repetitive "soul" threw it off. Deep within myself I’m confronted by another me. Deep within myself is He, the Demon who invades my sleep. The Demon who plagues my sleep. Deep within myself is He. A demon who’s identical – a demon who resembles ME Positives: dope 1st bar. Negatives: uuum, last bar was like.... "a demon whos identical" = "a demon who resembles me" its kinda saying the same thing in the same bar. also the 1st line in that bar was the same as the last of the 1st bar. if that makes sense. overall: it wasnt bad. good 7/10. some work can be done to inprove the quality o your work. (but at the same time thats quality in a sense of my own personal tastes). so this is just what i got from the read. keep dropping. __________________ "While you're on cloud9 im goin on a journey far better than your high" -Muse kthxbai Yellow Rage, Def Poetry.

12-08-2007, 10:32 PM	#4 (permalink)
Amuse.Meant Haunting Cyphers Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: San Francisco, CA Posts: 511	haha, lets bring it back then homie. __________________ "While you're on cloud9 im goin on a journey far better than your high" -Muse kthxbai Yellow Rage, Def Poetry.

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12-08-2007, 11:49 AM	#3 (permalink)
Big_Bang Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 189	Thanks Amuse.Meant ... the last bar was 'spose to emphasize tha tha fact that my tru enemy is my inner-me...i wanna add a pt. 2 but i haven't found tha right words yet. thanks again for tha feed. idk y this site so dead

12-10-2007, 01:48 PM	#5 (permalink)
Big_Bang Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 189	A'ight Then, Muse. Lets Resurrect B-boys!!

01-15-2008, 09:30 AM	#6 (permalink)
mutedweller76 Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: USA Posts: 62	I think "windswept leaf" is a good imagery and it works. That is the line I like the most.

04-30-2008, 05:00 AM	#7 (permalink)
Pharaoh Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 5	this was cool enough nothing awe inspiring but a nice enough read